“lost love excavation”
Meticulously, I categorized
all the razor edges, sharp knife like juts. I scrutinized promises and motives. I measured the space from the fire to the sleeping area and then to the outer border away from the heat.
Time lines gridded across the earth and I numbered: first held hands, first kiss, first time you were late enough that I worried. So many firsts left to list.
At what moment did I turn into that which I am was the question I most thought to answer. I obsessed.
My desk top cluttered with possible fits. I glued together ancient relics and clay pots broken in the last freeze, sections, sheared slices and chunks: searching for the site where I crushed into dust: the place where I dropped like bone and calcified and fossilized. The place where I lost myself.
Some firsts should be forgotten, but science after all is a brutal field. It doesn’t pity the dirt it moves or the embarrassed skeletons uncovered, sprawled and bared.
And I had no reason to doubt that the remnants would speak their language, more truth than I probably wanted to know. (But truth none the less.)
I had not yet lost heart of finding fragments to fabricate a whole: remnants from the same lost section or era: records, identifiable. We were at least breathing; we still had a voice even if only on the phone. The world was smaller then: not quite so demanding of those it held.
I still in that place and time thought history to be a constant: a tangible to label and hold: a cup with a tribal marking, or an earring worn by a goddess. Absolutes were mythological creatures dreamed up with dragons around the night. All free and wild possibilities still roamed and ruled. Back in that day, we had a chance.
It was the past when I still thought you might be coming for me, if not with a sword and a steed, at least with duffel bag and a truck. I still thought that someday, my unearthed grave would point to the undeniable artifact of your love and song for me, for us.
I still thought that future digs would call us a great find: an excavation for all those to hope for ever after. I still thought so much and knew so little.